Coming Full Circle

Last year I made a post about tapering off of Zoloft. I was so proud and I felt so free!...But after two months of being off it, I ended up going back on.

I felt somewhat disappointed in myself.

"Why can't I just be okay without it?"
"Here we go again..."
"I'll never get off of it."

After having a terrible panic attack back in September, I knew I had to see my doctor.  After my parents left to go out of town for a week last fall, my anxiety skyrocketed.  I remember lying in bed on a Monday night feeling so panicked and scared.  I was sweating, my hands were clammy, and my heart was pounding out of my chest.  I felt like the world was about to end.  Everything was caving in on me.  It was one of the scariest moments of my life.

Being that my parents weren't coming home for a few more days, I decided to take 1 Zoloft pill to ease the anxiety after talking to my doctor.  My anxiety was so bad that I could barely make it to work.  It felt out of control.  I ended up staying at my boyfriends house for the rest of the week.  His family is so wonderful!  Once my parents got home, I decided to see a therapist.  I have in the past and I found it very helpful then so why not try it again.

So much contributes to my anxieties, especially my mom's health.  I constantly replayed what she went through last summer in my head.  Being that my Dad travels a lot for work, I got so nervous leaving my Mom at home alone everyday while I went to work.  There was a sense of guilt that came with that too.  I felt so badly leaving her everyday.  What if something happened to her?  What if she ends up at the hospital again?  I was so overwhelmed.  I didn't know how to move on and let go.

Mind you, anxiety and depression run in my family, but through seeing a therapist I have learned a lot about what triggers these feelings.  I have generalized anxiety and once in a very blue moon I will have a panic attack.  Since therapy, I have learned different ways work through my anxieties.  There are a lot of very helpful coping mechanisms that I can use for the rest of my life.  I'm so grateful to my therapist! She is amazing!

So many things triggered my anxiety:
My Mom's health
The guilt that came with leaving her everyday
My boyfriend's job as a police officer....
As well as working around his weird schedules
Starting grad school
My sister and her boyfriend moving away...

Two months ago I was somewhat depressed and extremely anxious thinking about all of the factors above.  I wasn't seeing my therapist as often, I wasn't exercising, my appetite was gone, and I cried often.  I knew I had to do something.  Sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself was not an option.  It was up to me to change and find my inner happiness again.

I started to walk everyday with my Mom.  Eventually that turned into running.  Exercise is an amazing thing!  I get such an adrenaline rush when I'm running and listening to some good music.  I can't help but smile.  I also stopped worrying about my boyfriend while he was on the streets.  I can't control what happens to him, let alone any of my loved ones.  Me worrying about his safety isn't going to make him any safer.  It just makes me anxious.  I've learned to put my faith and trust in God because that's all I really can do.  A police officer's schedule isn't always ideal but I found that I actually kind of like it.  Being that he works 4 or 5 days a week, he gets 3 days off in a row, sometimes 4!  The weekends that he does work just gives me time to focus on me and hang out with my friends.  Plus it makes me appreciate him that much more.  Thinking about grad school and paying out of pocket for it definitely triggered some stress.  I was so used to using loans to get through my undergrad program, but I'm trying to avoid taking out more loans for my Masters.  If I have to struggle for the next few years in order to pay for school out of pocket, then I'm going to do it.  I might have to take out very small loans at some point but I'd rather struggle now while I'm young and don't have children than when I have a family and a lot more stressors in my life.  I'm also looking at my sister and her boyfriend moving as a great opportunity for them!  They deserve to have good jobs and start their lives where they want to.  Luckily they're only going to be a couple hours away, which is perfect for a weekend trip!  I'm so excited for them and the opportunities that they have ahead of them.  Regarding my Mom, I've learned to let go.  I can't control what the future holds.  All I can do is have faith that she will be okay.  The difference between last summer and now is that I didn't see the signs that I do now.  If something is wrong with my Mom, I'll know what to do and how to handle the situation.  I'll be able to take control of any situation that might arise.

These last two months I've really embraced life.  I can't just sit around and watch it pass me by.  I can't worry about every little thing going on in my life.  Worrying about worrying doesn't get me anywhere either.  I'm slowly realizing that being on Zoloft is okay.  It doesn't make me any less of a person and there is nothing to be ashamed of for being on it.  I know I will get to that point again where I know it's time to taper off of it.  Even though I've been doing really well lately, I don't want to rush tapering off of it quite yet.

I'm proud of myself for how far I've come over the past year.  I've learned A LOT about who I am and how to handle certain situations.  I'm going to keep embracing life and the opportunities that come my way.  There is so much to be thankful for!  You live and you learn right?  Life is great and God is good.