9 Days Late...
Wow. It has been such a long time since my last post. So much has happened in the last couple years, I don't even know where to begin! Between getting engaged, completing grad school, getting married, moving, having a baby…it's been a busy few years to say the least.
I remember I used to write because I loved connecting with those who would read my posts and relate to them. There is a sense of comfort knowing others have been in similar life situations and if I can impact one person or make them feel like they're not alone, then I've done my job. I wanted to take the time to write about my experience with pregnancy and the birth of my son because I remember really appreciating hearing about others' first time pregnancy experiences. I would watching YouTube videos of birthing experiences on the regular. Please tell me I'm not the only one who did that…but I often think about the moment I found out I was pregnant and how my life changed from that point on. I get scared that I won't remember all of the details of this experience when I'm older, so why not write about it to look back on? Let's start from the beginning…
My husband and I got married back in October of 2017 and what a day to remember! It was such a magical day, something I had dreamt about since I was a little girl. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like as soon as I got married, everyone and their mother were asking me, "When are you planning on starting a family?" In their defense, I think that's a pretty standard question for couples after they get married or just for couples in general, however it can be a very sensitive topic not just for women, but men as well, who are unable to have a child of their own. That is something I just want to throw out there, because it's easy to assume that pregnancy is obtainable for every woman, but that's not always the case. I remember when people would ask me when I'd like to start having children I would always respond with, "If I'm blessed to become pregnant and have a child, then my husband and I are probably going to wait at least a year before we start 'trying,'" because you don't really know what to expect until you start that process. You can only pray that there are no complications.
Fast forward 5 months…
I'll try not to get too personal here, but I also want to be real with you. I will never forget the moment my husband and I told ourselves, "I don't want to 'try' but I also don't want to be too cautious. Whatever is meant to be will be." Well according to my ovulation app, I ovulated on March 2nd, and that conversation I just mentioned happened on March 4th. We should have been in the clear right?
Well that app was off by a day or two because here we are with a beautiful and healthy 6 month old son! I digress. Let me go back…
About 9 days into what was supposed to be Aunt Flow, who was always on time. Never late. I knew in my heart something was off. Not in a bad way, but I felt different. I remember calling my mom that Friday afternoon on my lunch break at work. There I sat in my car, crying to her. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet at that point, but I knew deep down that there was as tiny human growing inside of me. I had so much guilt though in those moments because I knew my sister and brother in law were also trying to start a family. That was something they had been looking forward to for quite some time, so I couldn't help but feel selfish…like I took that moment away for them. After talking to my mom, I wiped away my tears and went back to work for the remainder of the day. That same day I also had been text messaging my sister about what was going on. Extremely nervous if I might add because I was so afraid she would be mad or upset at me, but she was actually really supportive. She kept telling me, "It's okay Amanda. Take a test. Trust me it's okay!" It's okay?…Trust me, it's okay??? I couldn't help but think, wow she's taking this really well. But why was she so calm and cool about it? In the meantime, I'm freaking out!
After work I decided to buy a pregnancy test. Justin was working for a few hours that evening so it was the perfect opportunity to take a test while he was away. To say I was nervous was an understatement, but I couldn't wait any longer. I had to know. After going to the bathroom, I placed the pregnancy test on the back of the toilet but I covered it with the box while I walked around the house for two minutes trying to kill time. Then the two minutes were up. I walked back into the bathroom and slowly lifted that box off of the test, squinting my eyes. Hesitating, as if there was something about to jump out from underneath it, but there it was. Two blue lines. Two incredibly life changing blue lines. I brought that test closer to my eyes just to make sure I wasn't seeing things, but they couldn't be any more clear. My hand covered my mouth. My eyes welled up with tears, and I couldn't help but smile. I lost it. I immediately looked over at Josephine (my 110 lb. mastiff), and gave her the biggest hug. I was a blubbery mess. After holding that test in my hand, and walking around my house in awe, I took a picture to capture the moment. But wait, Justin! I had to figure out how I was going to tell him! Nonetheless, I immediately drove to Target to grab a baby outfit, book, and booties. At this point I was thrilled and terrified all at the same time, and I immediately had to call my sister because she kept insisting it was, "okay" if I was pregnant. I remember her suggesting we should both take a test together the next day being that she and my brother in law were going to be in town visiting for Easter with my family.
Take a test together?…at our parent's house? She suggested I take another test at our parent's house at the same time as her, explaining how funny it would be if hers "happened" to be positive too, but why would someone do that, especially if mine was already positive? Unless….
It dawned on me. My sister was pregnant. "ARE YOU PREGNANT TOO???" There I was, in the parking lot at Target, balling my eyes out as my sister confirmed her pregnancy to me. In fact, she had been waiting to tell us about her pregnancy until that particular weekend (on purpose) being that she and my brother in law were going to be in town, but with me finding out about my pregnancy and calling her, she decided to tell me in that moment. It was something I will never forget. After crying and screaming for joy, I tried to gather my thoughts. We came up with the idea to surprise our mom and dad the next day. My sister and brother in law would tell them about their pregnancy first, then Justin and I would show up at my parent's house about 30 minutes later to break the news about our pregnancy. We could not wait! In the meantime, I drove back home from Target and set up the baby outfit, book, booties, pregnancy test, and a note "from baby to daddy" on our bed for my husband to come home to. It was probably around 7:00pm at the time, and my husband ended up not getting home until about 11:00pm. It was the longest 4 hours of my life, but it was worth the wait! I heard my husband unlocking the door to our house which was my cue to hide in our closet, camera ready. For about 3 minutes I was in our closet just waiting for Justin to come into our bedroom to reveal my surprise, but after a few more minutes he was calling my name asking where I was. Finally, he entered our bedroom, but instead of looking at our bed he was looking straight at me in the closet asking what I was doing in there? He saw my phone recording. Confused. "What are you doing?…" Then he looked at the bed and did a double take. He asked, "Is this real?" while pointing at the pregnancy surprise on the bed. He had the biggest smile on his face. It was everything. It was such a beautiful moment that I'll always cherish. We were going to be parents. Life got real, but we relished in the moment! It was pure bliss.
The next day we arrived at my in law's house to surprise them with the big news. As I handed them a small gift bag, I was hoping they would just assume it was an Easter gift. My heart was pounding and I was already secretly recording on my phone. My mother in law opened the bag and saw the pregnancy test, when all of the sudden she gasped. "Huhhh! Oh my God, oh my…he won't know what it is (pointing to my father in law)! You're going to be a grandpa!" They were completely surprised which made the moment that much sweeter! I will never forget the looks on their faces! Nothing better than truly catching someone off guard with a big surprise! We all embraced and took in the moment! Next, we drove to my parent's house about 30 minutes after my sister and brother in law arrived. As we walked in the front door, it was evident that they shared their wonderful news with my mom and dad already! Then there I was, holding a small gift bag that I handed to my dad. He opened the bag and pulled out a pregnancy test. "What's this? What does this mean?" With a confused look on his face he handed the test to my mom who asked, "Are you pregnant?!" The looks on their faces were priceless. As my mom jumped up and down crying tears of joy, my dad put his hands on his hips and responded, "What???…No….Oh my God…" It was a moment embedded in my memory and brings a smile to my face every time I think about it, and luckily it was all captured on camera! We also told Justin's brother and sister that day too, which was also a complete shock to them as well! That was a weekend filled with so much love and joy. I will never forget it.
After surprising our families that weekend, I immediately scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN to confirm the pregnancy, even though the pregnancy tests that I took at home made me feel confident that I was definitely pregnant, I wanted that extra confirmation. After a few weeks I finally got to meet with an OBGYN who works alongside with my usual OBGYN/Gynocologist, and he was able to do an internal ultrasound to confirm our sweet little bean was indeed in there. Seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks was incredible, and it was beating strong and fast! I couldn't help but cry when I saw that tiny heartbeat. Reality really set in at that point. There was a living being inside of me. I couldn't feel anything at that time because it was too early, but seeing the heart beating was surreal. Was it a boy or was it a girl? Who would this tiny little bean be one day? What is he or she going to look like? Is he or she okay in there? So many thoughts were racing through my head. Not to mention we had a due date to look forward to. November 27, 2018. As ecstatic as I was to have my pregnancy confirmed, my anxiety sky rocketed. I had been taking 25mg of Zoloft for nearly 9 years and knew I'd have to make a decision about whether to stay on the medication during my pregnancy or taper off. I immediately discussed this matter with my OBGYN, and scheduled to see a therapist. When your life changes in an instant, it can be a lot to take in, and I was all for seeking out a therapist to help me adjust to this new chapter in my life. It was suggested that I stay on my medication, but ultimately I chose to taper off because I was on such a low dose anyway, but I definitely didn't want to rush the process. I had no problem going back on it need be though!
I must say, the first 15 weeks were not the easiest because of that lovely morning sickness I always heard about, but honestly hugging that toilet bowl each morning was reassuring (ha!). It gave me confidence that little bean was still going strong in there! Pregnancy is such an incredible gift and experience, but it can be scary at times because you just pray your baby is okay. Side note: I highly advise you don't fly on an airplane during those first few months, especially if you're dealing with morning sickness. Let's just say my bumpy flight back home from Ft. Lauderdale was brutal. I couldn't get off that plane fast enough to run to the nearest bathroom and pull an exorcist. You would have thought my head spun around. It was not a pretty sight. Once the morning sickness subsided around the 15 week mark I really started enjoying my pregnancy. At 19 weeks came the moment we'd been waiting nearly 4 months for. We found out the sex of the baby. Before the ultrasound technician could even tell us the sex, I already knew as I stared at the screen. "It's a boy!" My husband's face was pure joy. He jumped up out of his chair with his arms and hands raised. "Yes!!!" It was such an exciting moment! All we could ever ask for was a healthy baby though, no matter the sex. Toward the end of that appointment the doctor came into the room to congratulate us, but also to inform us about a spot on our son's heart.
My heart stopped.
She pointed out a white spot on his heart that we could clearly see. The doctor explained that this spot, also known as Echogenic Intracardiac Focus (EIF), was not totally uncommon. She further explained that it is a calcium deposit on the muscle of his heart that should have no effect on his functioning, and might even disappear over time, however she said that children who have these, especially multiple spots throughout their body are at risk for having Down Syndrome. She stated that years ago it was thought that EIF was a direct link to Down Syndrome, however those assumptions were later proven false. We couldn't help but worry about this news, more so because we wanted to be prepared for our son's needs once he was born. The doctor reassured us that she was not concerned and didn't request we have any further tests done. She said, regardless the statistics are still the same. 1 in 1,000 births result in a child having Down Syndrome if the mother is around my age (27 years old at the time). We would love him no matter what though of course, but we just wanted to be as prepared as we possibly could. He would still be perfect in our eyes. After we left that appointment we put all of our faith in God and whatever was meant to be would be. This baby was such a blessing no matter the circumstances.
I honestly felt like the second trimester was the best because my belly wasn't too big at that point but it definitely started to show, and the morning sickness completely subsided. It was fun buying maternity clothes and reading up on what size fruit my little bean was comparable to for that week. My little bean even got to go to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert at Blossom and rocked out in my belly alongside my sister and her little bean growing inside her belly. I would say that the third trimester is when the weight of my belly really started to impact my joints, especially my back. What was also difficult was sleeping because there are so many dos and don'ts for sleeping positions. Laying on my left side every night didn't seem that bad until the last few weeks when all of that weight was on my left hip. The pain I felt on my pelvis and hips towards the end of my pregnancy was awful! Makes sense being that your hips slowly stretch apart to get prepared for the big day, but man I wish I would have gotten a heads up about that! I could barely walk. Thank goodness that eased up after a couple weeks. Another aspect of pregnancy that I found difficult was the constant peeing. Little bean loved kicking my bladder and pressing his head up against it towards the end! Not to mention, "lightning crotch." Yes, that is a thing, and it feels just how it sounds. Ouch! Oh I almost forgot to mention, by the third trimester I tapered off of Zoloft completely, but I told myself that I would go back on it if I started experiencing anxiety or depression. Mama has to be healthy in order for the baby to be healthy! Physically and emotionally. My OBGYN was aware of this and did a great job at monitoring my symptoms and providing support. Mental health is such an important topic to talk about, especially during/after pregnancy, but I plan on saving that discussion for my next blog post. Oh, another side note: not necessary, but totally worth the money was getting a 3D/4D ultrasound around 30 weeks! It was mind boggling seeing our son in real time moving in my belly and getting to see his adorable little facial features. Highly recommend to any mama and daddy to be! Okay, let's get back on track...
There I was, 38 weeks pregnant and ready to meet this not so little bean! Those last few weeks were such a waiting game. "Will I go into labor early? Will I go into it late? How will I know when I should go to the hospital? What will it feel like?!" The anxiety was building up, but at the same time I couldn't wait to meet the little guy! Well, my due date came and went. I was 3 cm dilated and was only having Braxton Hicks contractions off and on. It wasn't time yet. My husband and I started trying anything we could to induce labor, and 4 days after my due date I started having period-like cramps. It was a Saturday evening, and these cramps were time-able. They were about 4-6 minutes apart and I timed them for a couple hours. My husband and I were planning on stopping at my parents house that evening so after grabbing dinner we made our way to their home and explained that I might be in labor. Just to be safe we headed over to the hospital around 9:00PM. After tracking my contractions, walking around the floor in a gown for an hour and a half, I was sent home. I was in early labor, but my pain level was not high enough and I didn't dilate any further after walking around the floor. We were somewhat disappointed to be sent home, but anxious to see what the morning had in store for us.
I was so worried I wouldn't be able to sleep due to my anxiety and contractions I was still having, but ironically as soon as I laid down in bed, my contractions subsided and I was able to get a good nights sleep. I woke up around 9:15AM the next day and as soon as I sat up and placed my feet on the ground I was hit with very intense period-like cramps. These were different though. I remember being told "you'll just know" when it's the real deal. Someone also had told me, "You'll have to stop what your doing and breathe through the contractions." There I was. Trying shower and put on my makeup, but having to stop every 3-5 minutes to breathe through the pain that was forming a ring around my lower abdomen and back. I was able to get myself ready, but warned my husband that I think this was the real deal. Just in case I continued to time the contractions for nearly 2 hours. My husband and I even walked our dog around the neighborhood…well, more like he walked her and I stopped every 20 feet to breathe. I'm sure the neighbors got a kick out of that! Eventually I reached a point where we needed to turn around and head to the hospital. We said our goodbyes to our pup and made our way to the hospital--but first Panera Bread! I was always told to eat a light meal before being admitted. I tried to breathe through each bite of my soup and sandwich, but after 15 minutes I was ready to go. We headed across the street and I waddled my way to the maternity floor.
Justin's cousin was a labor and delivery nurse at my hospital and happened to be working that day. She saw me on the security camera making my way toward the maternity ward entrance, but having to stop every couple minutes to breathe through the contractions. Once I was hooked up to the machines in my lovely hospital gown, I was checked to see how dilated I was, and I was 4 1/2 cm! It was such a relief. At this time it was about 12:30PM. We were so ready to meet out little man! Soon after I was admitted, and after two failed IV attempts, my water was broken by a doctor. Let me tell you--the contractions I was having before my water was broken were pretty intense, but the contractions I experienced after my water was broken were on a whole other level. Those contractions were off the scale on the monitor. Literally. I sat on an exercise ball to try to ease the pressure, but every 1-2 minutes a contraction would strike not just in my abdomen but in my back as well. I hung on and breathed through them as best as I could and according to my husband I looked like I "wasn't in too much pain." Let's just say I gave him a death glare after he said that. Needless to say, I requested the epidural. That anesthesiologist couldn't come fast enough. Once he arrived about 30 minutes later around 3:45PM, I hunched over a pillow on the side of the bed and braced myself for the numbing injection and epidural. I didn't know what to expect. I jumped when that injection went in, and hung tight until the procedure was over, Not even ten minutes after, I was pain free, however my epidural resulted in a spinal fund leak, but I'll save that for then next blog post. Everything from my chest down was numb. It felt like everything was asleep but I was still able to move my legs/feet slightly. Best decision ever! The one weird side effect from the epidural was that I couldn't stop shaking. It was an involuntary feeling but it was worth it to be out of pain! One thing I didn't really think about was the fact that I would have to have a catheter in order to empty my bladder during labor. Luckily I didn't feel a thing when it was inserted following my epidural, but just a heads up for those that choose to get an epidural. Over the next few hours I was pumped with Pitocin and our families stopped by to visit. Around 6:30PM Justin's cousin came to check me and said I was 5 1/2 cm dilated. Progress! She ended up placing a peanut ball between my legs explaining how this ball can really speed up the dilation process. Well she was right! An hour and a half later, I started feeling pressure in my bottom, and it was getting stronger. I remember thinking, "There's no way I'm fully dilated…is there?" Justin's cousin came back to check on me and sure enough, she said I was 10 cm and ready to have this baby! She informed my OBGYN who was at home at the time to come in and while we waited for her to get to the hospital, I did practice pushes with Justin and his cousin. After about 9 practice pushes we stopped because our sweet boy was ready to make his entrance. My OBGYN and a resident came in with a couple of nurses including Justin's cousin again. It was time to push! I'll never forget how laid back the whole experience was. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation was on in the background, and my OBGYN was talking about nail polish (ha!). After 42 minutes of pushing to my husband's encouraging words, out came our sweet baby boy! I thought I would cry, but I was so excited and happy to meet our son that I just wanted to hold him. I looked up to my right and my husband was crying tears of joy, and in all honestly I didn't feel a thing! It was such an incredibly beautiful moment. Little did I know, my son's umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he didn't make a sound at first, but after a few seconds we heard his little cry. To this day my husband and I reminisce about the moment our son came out. His eyes shot open immediately. He often refers to that moment being like the final scene in Avatar! My son also decided to poop all over me right after he came out (ha!). I could have cared less in the moment, but I'm sure it was not a pretty sight! God bless my husband for seeing it all! I'm sure it's embedded in his brain. Once our little man was in my arms laying on my chest, I was able to really soak in that moment and tears rolled down my face. He was perfect. Truly. He was a miracle. All 7 lbs. 12 oz. of him.
After spending some time with him, our families came in and got to meet our bundle of joy. It was so amazing seeing our son with our parents and siblings. It all came full circle. Every second of those 10 months was worth it. Every pain, ache, tear, and episode of morning sickness. It all lead to that very moment, and what a moment it was. God is so good.
Landon James, you are my world little man. The love I have for you is indescribable. You've changed my life for the better and you truly give me purpose. I love you Bubby and I can't wait to continue to watch you grow throughout this crazy thing we call life!
I remember I used to write because I loved connecting with those who would read my posts and relate to them. There is a sense of comfort knowing others have been in similar life situations and if I can impact one person or make them feel like they're not alone, then I've done my job. I wanted to take the time to write about my experience with pregnancy and the birth of my son because I remember really appreciating hearing about others' first time pregnancy experiences. I would watching YouTube videos of birthing experiences on the regular. Please tell me I'm not the only one who did that…but I often think about the moment I found out I was pregnant and how my life changed from that point on. I get scared that I won't remember all of the details of this experience when I'm older, so why not write about it to look back on? Let's start from the beginning…
My husband and I got married back in October of 2017 and what a day to remember! It was such a magical day, something I had dreamt about since I was a little girl. I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like as soon as I got married, everyone and their mother were asking me, "When are you planning on starting a family?" In their defense, I think that's a pretty standard question for couples after they get married or just for couples in general, however it can be a very sensitive topic not just for women, but men as well, who are unable to have a child of their own. That is something I just want to throw out there, because it's easy to assume that pregnancy is obtainable for every woman, but that's not always the case. I remember when people would ask me when I'd like to start having children I would always respond with, "If I'm blessed to become pregnant and have a child, then my husband and I are probably going to wait at least a year before we start 'trying,'" because you don't really know what to expect until you start that process. You can only pray that there are no complications.
Fast forward 5 months…
I'll try not to get too personal here, but I also want to be real with you. I will never forget the moment my husband and I told ourselves, "I don't want to 'try' but I also don't want to be too cautious. Whatever is meant to be will be." Well according to my ovulation app, I ovulated on March 2nd, and that conversation I just mentioned happened on March 4th. We should have been in the clear right?
Well that app was off by a day or two because here we are with a beautiful and healthy 6 month old son! I digress. Let me go back…
About 9 days into what was supposed to be Aunt Flow, who was always on time. Never late. I knew in my heart something was off. Not in a bad way, but I felt different. I remember calling my mom that Friday afternoon on my lunch break at work. There I sat in my car, crying to her. I hadn't taken a pregnancy test yet at that point, but I knew deep down that there was as tiny human growing inside of me. I had so much guilt though in those moments because I knew my sister and brother in law were also trying to start a family. That was something they had been looking forward to for quite some time, so I couldn't help but feel selfish…like I took that moment away for them. After talking to my mom, I wiped away my tears and went back to work for the remainder of the day. That same day I also had been text messaging my sister about what was going on. Extremely nervous if I might add because I was so afraid she would be mad or upset at me, but she was actually really supportive. She kept telling me, "It's okay Amanda. Take a test. Trust me it's okay!" It's okay?…Trust me, it's okay??? I couldn't help but think, wow she's taking this really well. But why was she so calm and cool about it? In the meantime, I'm freaking out!
After work I decided to buy a pregnancy test. Justin was working for a few hours that evening so it was the perfect opportunity to take a test while he was away. To say I was nervous was an understatement, but I couldn't wait any longer. I had to know. After going to the bathroom, I placed the pregnancy test on the back of the toilet but I covered it with the box while I walked around the house for two minutes trying to kill time. Then the two minutes were up. I walked back into the bathroom and slowly lifted that box off of the test, squinting my eyes. Hesitating, as if there was something about to jump out from underneath it, but there it was. Two blue lines. Two incredibly life changing blue lines. I brought that test closer to my eyes just to make sure I wasn't seeing things, but they couldn't be any more clear. My hand covered my mouth. My eyes welled up with tears, and I couldn't help but smile. I lost it. I immediately looked over at Josephine (my 110 lb. mastiff), and gave her the biggest hug. I was a blubbery mess. After holding that test in my hand, and walking around my house in awe, I took a picture to capture the moment. But wait, Justin! I had to figure out how I was going to tell him! Nonetheless, I immediately drove to Target to grab a baby outfit, book, and booties. At this point I was thrilled and terrified all at the same time, and I immediately had to call my sister because she kept insisting it was, "okay" if I was pregnant. I remember her suggesting we should both take a test together the next day being that she and my brother in law were going to be in town visiting for Easter with my family.
Take a test together?…at our parent's house? She suggested I take another test at our parent's house at the same time as her, explaining how funny it would be if hers "happened" to be positive too, but why would someone do that, especially if mine was already positive? Unless….
It dawned on me. My sister was pregnant. "ARE YOU PREGNANT TOO???" There I was, in the parking lot at Target, balling my eyes out as my sister confirmed her pregnancy to me. In fact, she had been waiting to tell us about her pregnancy until that particular weekend (on purpose) being that she and my brother in law were going to be in town, but with me finding out about my pregnancy and calling her, she decided to tell me in that moment. It was something I will never forget. After crying and screaming for joy, I tried to gather my thoughts. We came up with the idea to surprise our mom and dad the next day. My sister and brother in law would tell them about their pregnancy first, then Justin and I would show up at my parent's house about 30 minutes later to break the news about our pregnancy. We could not wait! In the meantime, I drove back home from Target and set up the baby outfit, book, booties, pregnancy test, and a note "from baby to daddy" on our bed for my husband to come home to. It was probably around 7:00pm at the time, and my husband ended up not getting home until about 11:00pm. It was the longest 4 hours of my life, but it was worth the wait! I heard my husband unlocking the door to our house which was my cue to hide in our closet, camera ready. For about 3 minutes I was in our closet just waiting for Justin to come into our bedroom to reveal my surprise, but after a few more minutes he was calling my name asking where I was. Finally, he entered our bedroom, but instead of looking at our bed he was looking straight at me in the closet asking what I was doing in there? He saw my phone recording. Confused. "What are you doing?…" Then he looked at the bed and did a double take. He asked, "Is this real?" while pointing at the pregnancy surprise on the bed. He had the biggest smile on his face. It was everything. It was such a beautiful moment that I'll always cherish. We were going to be parents. Life got real, but we relished in the moment! It was pure bliss.
The next day we arrived at my in law's house to surprise them with the big news. As I handed them a small gift bag, I was hoping they would just assume it was an Easter gift. My heart was pounding and I was already secretly recording on my phone. My mother in law opened the bag and saw the pregnancy test, when all of the sudden she gasped. "Huhhh! Oh my God, oh my…he won't know what it is (pointing to my father in law)! You're going to be a grandpa!" They were completely surprised which made the moment that much sweeter! I will never forget the looks on their faces! Nothing better than truly catching someone off guard with a big surprise! We all embraced and took in the moment! Next, we drove to my parent's house about 30 minutes after my sister and brother in law arrived. As we walked in the front door, it was evident that they shared their wonderful news with my mom and dad already! Then there I was, holding a small gift bag that I handed to my dad. He opened the bag and pulled out a pregnancy test. "What's this? What does this mean?" With a confused look on his face he handed the test to my mom who asked, "Are you pregnant?!" The looks on their faces were priceless. As my mom jumped up and down crying tears of joy, my dad put his hands on his hips and responded, "What???…No….Oh my God…" It was a moment embedded in my memory and brings a smile to my face every time I think about it, and luckily it was all captured on camera! We also told Justin's brother and sister that day too, which was also a complete shock to them as well! That was a weekend filled with so much love and joy. I will never forget it.
After surprising our families that weekend, I immediately scheduled an appointment with an OBGYN to confirm the pregnancy, even though the pregnancy tests that I took at home made me feel confident that I was definitely pregnant, I wanted that extra confirmation. After a few weeks I finally got to meet with an OBGYN who works alongside with my usual OBGYN/Gynocologist, and he was able to do an internal ultrasound to confirm our sweet little bean was indeed in there. Seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks was incredible, and it was beating strong and fast! I couldn't help but cry when I saw that tiny heartbeat. Reality really set in at that point. There was a living being inside of me. I couldn't feel anything at that time because it was too early, but seeing the heart beating was surreal. Was it a boy or was it a girl? Who would this tiny little bean be one day? What is he or she going to look like? Is he or she okay in there? So many thoughts were racing through my head. Not to mention we had a due date to look forward to. November 27, 2018. As ecstatic as I was to have my pregnancy confirmed, my anxiety sky rocketed. I had been taking 25mg of Zoloft for nearly 9 years and knew I'd have to make a decision about whether to stay on the medication during my pregnancy or taper off. I immediately discussed this matter with my OBGYN, and scheduled to see a therapist. When your life changes in an instant, it can be a lot to take in, and I was all for seeking out a therapist to help me adjust to this new chapter in my life. It was suggested that I stay on my medication, but ultimately I chose to taper off because I was on such a low dose anyway, but I definitely didn't want to rush the process. I had no problem going back on it need be though!
I must say, the first 15 weeks were not the easiest because of that lovely morning sickness I always heard about, but honestly hugging that toilet bowl each morning was reassuring (ha!). It gave me confidence that little bean was still going strong in there! Pregnancy is such an incredible gift and experience, but it can be scary at times because you just pray your baby is okay. Side note: I highly advise you don't fly on an airplane during those first few months, especially if you're dealing with morning sickness. Let's just say my bumpy flight back home from Ft. Lauderdale was brutal. I couldn't get off that plane fast enough to run to the nearest bathroom and pull an exorcist. You would have thought my head spun around. It was not a pretty sight. Once the morning sickness subsided around the 15 week mark I really started enjoying my pregnancy. At 19 weeks came the moment we'd been waiting nearly 4 months for. We found out the sex of the baby. Before the ultrasound technician could even tell us the sex, I already knew as I stared at the screen. "It's a boy!" My husband's face was pure joy. He jumped up out of his chair with his arms and hands raised. "Yes!!!" It was such an exciting moment! All we could ever ask for was a healthy baby though, no matter the sex. Toward the end of that appointment the doctor came into the room to congratulate us, but also to inform us about a spot on our son's heart.
My heart stopped.
She pointed out a white spot on his heart that we could clearly see. The doctor explained that this spot, also known as Echogenic Intracardiac Focus (EIF), was not totally uncommon. She further explained that it is a calcium deposit on the muscle of his heart that should have no effect on his functioning, and might even disappear over time, however she said that children who have these, especially multiple spots throughout their body are at risk for having Down Syndrome. She stated that years ago it was thought that EIF was a direct link to Down Syndrome, however those assumptions were later proven false. We couldn't help but worry about this news, more so because we wanted to be prepared for our son's needs once he was born. The doctor reassured us that she was not concerned and didn't request we have any further tests done. She said, regardless the statistics are still the same. 1 in 1,000 births result in a child having Down Syndrome if the mother is around my age (27 years old at the time). We would love him no matter what though of course, but we just wanted to be as prepared as we possibly could. He would still be perfect in our eyes. After we left that appointment we put all of our faith in God and whatever was meant to be would be. This baby was such a blessing no matter the circumstances.
I honestly felt like the second trimester was the best because my belly wasn't too big at that point but it definitely started to show, and the morning sickness completely subsided. It was fun buying maternity clothes and reading up on what size fruit my little bean was comparable to for that week. My little bean even got to go to a 30 Seconds to Mars concert at Blossom and rocked out in my belly alongside my sister and her little bean growing inside her belly. I would say that the third trimester is when the weight of my belly really started to impact my joints, especially my back. What was also difficult was sleeping because there are so many dos and don'ts for sleeping positions. Laying on my left side every night didn't seem that bad until the last few weeks when all of that weight was on my left hip. The pain I felt on my pelvis and hips towards the end of my pregnancy was awful! Makes sense being that your hips slowly stretch apart to get prepared for the big day, but man I wish I would have gotten a heads up about that! I could barely walk. Thank goodness that eased up after a couple weeks. Another aspect of pregnancy that I found difficult was the constant peeing. Little bean loved kicking my bladder and pressing his head up against it towards the end! Not to mention, "lightning crotch." Yes, that is a thing, and it feels just how it sounds. Ouch! Oh I almost forgot to mention, by the third trimester I tapered off of Zoloft completely, but I told myself that I would go back on it if I started experiencing anxiety or depression. Mama has to be healthy in order for the baby to be healthy! Physically and emotionally. My OBGYN was aware of this and did a great job at monitoring my symptoms and providing support. Mental health is such an important topic to talk about, especially during/after pregnancy, but I plan on saving that discussion for my next blog post. Oh, another side note: not necessary, but totally worth the money was getting a 3D/4D ultrasound around 30 weeks! It was mind boggling seeing our son in real time moving in my belly and getting to see his adorable little facial features. Highly recommend to any mama and daddy to be! Okay, let's get back on track...
There I was, 38 weeks pregnant and ready to meet this not so little bean! Those last few weeks were such a waiting game. "Will I go into labor early? Will I go into it late? How will I know when I should go to the hospital? What will it feel like?!" The anxiety was building up, but at the same time I couldn't wait to meet the little guy! Well, my due date came and went. I was 3 cm dilated and was only having Braxton Hicks contractions off and on. It wasn't time yet. My husband and I started trying anything we could to induce labor, and 4 days after my due date I started having period-like cramps. It was a Saturday evening, and these cramps were time-able. They were about 4-6 minutes apart and I timed them for a couple hours. My husband and I were planning on stopping at my parents house that evening so after grabbing dinner we made our way to their home and explained that I might be in labor. Just to be safe we headed over to the hospital around 9:00PM. After tracking my contractions, walking around the floor in a gown for an hour and a half, I was sent home. I was in early labor, but my pain level was not high enough and I didn't dilate any further after walking around the floor. We were somewhat disappointed to be sent home, but anxious to see what the morning had in store for us.
I was so worried I wouldn't be able to sleep due to my anxiety and contractions I was still having, but ironically as soon as I laid down in bed, my contractions subsided and I was able to get a good nights sleep. I woke up around 9:15AM the next day and as soon as I sat up and placed my feet on the ground I was hit with very intense period-like cramps. These were different though. I remember being told "you'll just know" when it's the real deal. Someone also had told me, "You'll have to stop what your doing and breathe through the contractions." There I was. Trying shower and put on my makeup, but having to stop every 3-5 minutes to breathe through the pain that was forming a ring around my lower abdomen and back. I was able to get myself ready, but warned my husband that I think this was the real deal. Just in case I continued to time the contractions for nearly 2 hours. My husband and I even walked our dog around the neighborhood…well, more like he walked her and I stopped every 20 feet to breathe. I'm sure the neighbors got a kick out of that! Eventually I reached a point where we needed to turn around and head to the hospital. We said our goodbyes to our pup and made our way to the hospital--but first Panera Bread! I was always told to eat a light meal before being admitted. I tried to breathe through each bite of my soup and sandwich, but after 15 minutes I was ready to go. We headed across the street and I waddled my way to the maternity floor.
Justin's cousin was a labor and delivery nurse at my hospital and happened to be working that day. She saw me on the security camera making my way toward the maternity ward entrance, but having to stop every couple minutes to breathe through the contractions. Once I was hooked up to the machines in my lovely hospital gown, I was checked to see how dilated I was, and I was 4 1/2 cm! It was such a relief. At this time it was about 12:30PM. We were so ready to meet out little man! Soon after I was admitted, and after two failed IV attempts, my water was broken by a doctor. Let me tell you--the contractions I was having before my water was broken were pretty intense, but the contractions I experienced after my water was broken were on a whole other level. Those contractions were off the scale on the monitor. Literally. I sat on an exercise ball to try to ease the pressure, but every 1-2 minutes a contraction would strike not just in my abdomen but in my back as well. I hung on and breathed through them as best as I could and according to my husband I looked like I "wasn't in too much pain." Let's just say I gave him a death glare after he said that. Needless to say, I requested the epidural. That anesthesiologist couldn't come fast enough. Once he arrived about 30 minutes later around 3:45PM, I hunched over a pillow on the side of the bed and braced myself for the numbing injection and epidural. I didn't know what to expect. I jumped when that injection went in, and hung tight until the procedure was over, Not even ten minutes after, I was pain free, however my epidural resulted in a spinal fund leak, but I'll save that for then next blog post. Everything from my chest down was numb. It felt like everything was asleep but I was still able to move my legs/feet slightly. Best decision ever! The one weird side effect from the epidural was that I couldn't stop shaking. It was an involuntary feeling but it was worth it to be out of pain! One thing I didn't really think about was the fact that I would have to have a catheter in order to empty my bladder during labor. Luckily I didn't feel a thing when it was inserted following my epidural, but just a heads up for those that choose to get an epidural. Over the next few hours I was pumped with Pitocin and our families stopped by to visit. Around 6:30PM Justin's cousin came to check me and said I was 5 1/2 cm dilated. Progress! She ended up placing a peanut ball between my legs explaining how this ball can really speed up the dilation process. Well she was right! An hour and a half later, I started feeling pressure in my bottom, and it was getting stronger. I remember thinking, "There's no way I'm fully dilated…is there?" Justin's cousin came back to check on me and sure enough, she said I was 10 cm and ready to have this baby! She informed my OBGYN who was at home at the time to come in and while we waited for her to get to the hospital, I did practice pushes with Justin and his cousin. After about 9 practice pushes we stopped because our sweet boy was ready to make his entrance. My OBGYN and a resident came in with a couple of nurses including Justin's cousin again. It was time to push! I'll never forget how laid back the whole experience was. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation was on in the background, and my OBGYN was talking about nail polish (ha!). After 42 minutes of pushing to my husband's encouraging words, out came our sweet baby boy! I thought I would cry, but I was so excited and happy to meet our son that I just wanted to hold him. I looked up to my right and my husband was crying tears of joy, and in all honestly I didn't feel a thing! It was such an incredibly beautiful moment. Little did I know, my son's umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he didn't make a sound at first, but after a few seconds we heard his little cry. To this day my husband and I reminisce about the moment our son came out. His eyes shot open immediately. He often refers to that moment being like the final scene in Avatar! My son also decided to poop all over me right after he came out (ha!). I could have cared less in the moment, but I'm sure it was not a pretty sight! God bless my husband for seeing it all! I'm sure it's embedded in his brain. Once our little man was in my arms laying on my chest, I was able to really soak in that moment and tears rolled down my face. He was perfect. Truly. He was a miracle. All 7 lbs. 12 oz. of him.
After spending some time with him, our families came in and got to meet our bundle of joy. It was so amazing seeing our son with our parents and siblings. It all came full circle. Every second of those 10 months was worth it. Every pain, ache, tear, and episode of morning sickness. It all lead to that very moment, and what a moment it was. God is so good.
Landon James, you are my world little man. The love I have for you is indescribable. You've changed my life for the better and you truly give me purpose. I love you Bubby and I can't wait to continue to watch you grow throughout this crazy thing we call life!
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