Long time coming
Scared, lonely, unsure, struggling...
That's the person I was a year ago and I really didn't know who I was.
I guess you could say I was lost.
But how could that be? I have the best family, friends, and at the time, boyfriend, anyone could ever ask for. Despite all that surrounded me, I felt so alone.
I clearly remember the moment I realized I had to talk to my mom about the way I was feeling. It was late at night and I was trying to sleep, but my anxiety was getting the best of me. I finally got up and woke up my mom to talk to her. I just remember saying, "Mom, I think I'm depressed. I feel alone and I'm scared." That moment was the beginning of my journey of taking chances and finding out who I am.
Admitting to my family that I was struggling with depression was really hard, because I felt like the odd man out. I didn't understand how I, a 19 year old girl, could be feeling that way especially when I had everything going for me.
The feeling of emptiness consumed me. I woke up every morning with uncomfortable knots in my stomach, also known as my good friend, anxiety. It was horrible and I didn't know how to overcome it. I had no interest in being around anybody, not even my family. It was like I was watching the person I had once been fall apart. Going to school was a struggle too. At one point I missed a whole week of classes, and when I finally did go back to school, I ended up leaving later that day. It is a feeling that I can't describe. Only those that have been depressed can fully understand the emotions that I faced on a daily basis. There was absolutely no motivation what so ever, and I honestly felt like I was slipping into a dark hole in which I could not escape. I didn't care about anything, not even myself. I never thought I would overcome this depression because it was so hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I literally felt empty inside.
After awhile my emotions started taking a toll on my health. I never had an appetite so I ended up losing weight that I really couldn't afford to lose. As the weight came off, I became the thinnest I've ever been. I looked ill. The anxiety I felt in the pit of my stomach made the sight of food nauseating, which is hard to believe coming from the girl who eats everything in sight (I have a hefty appetite and a really fast metabolism)! I remember my family constantly telling me I needed to gain weight to the point where it started getting irritating, even though I knew it was all out of concern. The anxiety and depression was out of my control, and I wasn't sure how to fix it.
Finally I realized that only I can change how I was feeling. I had to do everything in my power to go to class, be with my friends, and go to work. It wasn't easy at all, but eventually things got better. I even went to talk to a Psychologist at my school, and as hard as it was to talk to a total stranger, I'm so proud of myself for doing it.
The person I am today is the Amanda I remember. The sarcastic, honest, happy, confident Amanda that I used to be before my depression. I've grown up and learned so much about myself in the past year, and I've realized that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. Every time I feel a sense of sadness, I remind myself of all of the beautiful people and opportunities God has blessed me with.
This past year I've lived some of my darkest days, but I've also overcome them. The biggest piece of advice I can give to those who think they may be struggling with depression or anxiety is to ALWAYS tell someone how you're feeling. Too many people commit suicide these days mostly because they had no one to talk to, or they were too afraid to open up. You are in control of your life and your future. No one can help you if you're not willing to help yourself. Realize that things do get better even though it may not seem like it, I promise they do. Push yourself to get out of bed every morning and surround yourself with those you love.
It will all be worth it especially when that day comes when you wake up with no knots in your stomach. When you can smile for no reason except the fact that you're happy, and in the end that's all that matters.
That's the person I was a year ago and I really didn't know who I was.
I guess you could say I was lost.
But how could that be? I have the best family, friends, and at the time, boyfriend, anyone could ever ask for. Despite all that surrounded me, I felt so alone.
I clearly remember the moment I realized I had to talk to my mom about the way I was feeling. It was late at night and I was trying to sleep, but my anxiety was getting the best of me. I finally got up and woke up my mom to talk to her. I just remember saying, "Mom, I think I'm depressed. I feel alone and I'm scared." That moment was the beginning of my journey of taking chances and finding out who I am.
Admitting to my family that I was struggling with depression was really hard, because I felt like the odd man out. I didn't understand how I, a 19 year old girl, could be feeling that way especially when I had everything going for me.
The feeling of emptiness consumed me. I woke up every morning with uncomfortable knots in my stomach, also known as my good friend, anxiety. It was horrible and I didn't know how to overcome it. I had no interest in being around anybody, not even my family. It was like I was watching the person I had once been fall apart. Going to school was a struggle too. At one point I missed a whole week of classes, and when I finally did go back to school, I ended up leaving later that day. It is a feeling that I can't describe. Only those that have been depressed can fully understand the emotions that I faced on a daily basis. There was absolutely no motivation what so ever, and I honestly felt like I was slipping into a dark hole in which I could not escape. I didn't care about anything, not even myself. I never thought I would overcome this depression because it was so hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I literally felt empty inside.
After awhile my emotions started taking a toll on my health. I never had an appetite so I ended up losing weight that I really couldn't afford to lose. As the weight came off, I became the thinnest I've ever been. I looked ill. The anxiety I felt in the pit of my stomach made the sight of food nauseating, which is hard to believe coming from the girl who eats everything in sight (I have a hefty appetite and a really fast metabolism)! I remember my family constantly telling me I needed to gain weight to the point where it started getting irritating, even though I knew it was all out of concern. The anxiety and depression was out of my control, and I wasn't sure how to fix it.
Finally I realized that only I can change how I was feeling. I had to do everything in my power to go to class, be with my friends, and go to work. It wasn't easy at all, but eventually things got better. I even went to talk to a Psychologist at my school, and as hard as it was to talk to a total stranger, I'm so proud of myself for doing it.
The person I am today is the Amanda I remember. The sarcastic, honest, happy, confident Amanda that I used to be before my depression. I've grown up and learned so much about myself in the past year, and I've realized that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. Every time I feel a sense of sadness, I remind myself of all of the beautiful people and opportunities God has blessed me with.
This past year I've lived some of my darkest days, but I've also overcome them. The biggest piece of advice I can give to those who think they may be struggling with depression or anxiety is to ALWAYS tell someone how you're feeling. Too many people commit suicide these days mostly because they had no one to talk to, or they were too afraid to open up. You are in control of your life and your future. No one can help you if you're not willing to help yourself. Realize that things do get better even though it may not seem like it, I promise they do. Push yourself to get out of bed every morning and surround yourself with those you love.
It will all be worth it especially when that day comes when you wake up with no knots in your stomach. When you can smile for no reason except the fact that you're happy, and in the end that's all that matters.
Amanda, I know exactly how you were feeling. I too suffer from depression and anxiety and mine comes from penting up how I really feel and also trying to act as though anything is wrong. I hate being unhappy so I would act it all the time. It is awesome that you were able to talk to your mom about it. It isn't going to just go away but as long as you have a strong support system like you do, you will be great and do great things! I love catching up with your blogs! Keep writing it is inspiring. I think I might start my own <3
ReplyDeleteIt's nice knowing that other people have dealt with depression/anxiety such as yourself. Although it's not fun to deal with, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. I appreciate you reading my blogs! It means a lot to me Jillian! You should definitely start your own blog. It's been a great way for me to vent and it really has helped me deal with all of the ups and downs in my life. I'm glad I am able to inspire you :)
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